Moving On

"It's over."

I couldn't believe what I was saying. "It's completely over." How did I get to this point? How could this be true? After all the time I had spent, how could it be over? I was so committed, so involved, so ready to give my time and thoughts towards this.

"Lost is finally over."

I'm not joking. I have been legitimately depressed dealing with the absence of Lost from my life. After 6 seasons, it's finally done. Dunzo. Finished. It may seem like a weird obsession, but ask any person who has been a devoted Lost fan, and they will agree in the significant sadness that has set in now that the show has completed its run. Ok, let's be honest. That's really sad. Ha. But still, it was a great show, and there is this nagging feeling that there won't be another show like it ever again.

Really though, we are just talking about a show here. Something on television. It's all fictional, and a year from now I'm sure there will be some new show that I'm completely enthralled with. Still, I loved Lost, and I especially loved how it ended. Really, the final season was so great because it had so many allusions to Christianity. Are our choices real, or are they just mirages of a greater destiny that fuel our feet towards an inevitable ending point? I could go on and on, but I'll just say that the final season was rocking.

Many people have expressed their dislike with the way the finale ending. Long before it aired, the executive producers acknowledged the controversy that would exist. "Some people may hate it, but others... others I think will look back and appreciate what we've done here." Or something like that. I wish I could give an exact quotation, but really I'm just making up what I think they said, ha. Still, I liked the ending.

Be warned, if you don't want it ruined, don't keep reading.

Lost ends with Jack Shephard, the protagonist and hero of the show, speaking with his dead father, Christian. Realizing that he himself has died, and with certain fear in his eyes, he manages to say, "Kate said that we're leaving." Christian Shephard smiles and simply answers, "No. No. Not leaving." He pauses for a moment before quietly stating, "Just moving on." I love that. I really, really do. One chapter has ended, and a new one is beginning, one that leaves our imagination to wonder what is next for our favorite characters.

I'm in that exact place. I'm not so much thinking of what this weird couples afterlife (seriously, what's up with that?) is like for the characters of Lost, but I still feel its message echoing in my life.

For the past four years, I attended college in Fayetteville, Arkansas. I changed my major twice. I joined a fraternity. I joined a ministry. I left that ministry and joined another. And then I did that again. I worked at a summer camp. I've had a lot of money. I've been absolutely broke. I've eaten Ramen noodles. I've eaten spaghettios. I've eaten a huge, red steak hot off the grill. I've sat in the grass. I've sat in the rain. I've sat in the road. I've sat in my room all day. I've spent days doing absolutely nothing, and I've spent days with so much on my list to get done that I've gone right to sleep upon getting home out of sheer fatigue. I've broken hearts. I've had my heart broken, more than once. I've been depressed. I've been completely overcome with joy and God's goodness. I've had huge plans come and go. I've found myself clueless and completely out of control. I've been completely alone. I've found myself with more friends than I can count. I've found myself directionless, and I've found myself so clearly in the presence of Rightness.

Four years of my life. Wow. Thinking of all that has happened, everything I've experienced, it's hard to even consider moving on. But you know what? That's the next step. Sometimes in life, the next step is never easy. Sometimes the next step is simply to let go of where your heart is so firmly entrenched and allow God to bring about what's next. One chapter ends. Another one begins.

Not leaving.

Not forgetting.

Just moving on.

It's hard to even consider. Maybe hard isn't the right word. I think scary is better. I'll admit it. I'm completely afraid of what's next. Back in Fayetteville, there are dozens of friends. Some of them are Young Life leaders, some I've even trained and seen grow into incredible leaders. Some are roommates. Some are just people that have been significant in my life. It's the same with camp. There are so many connections there. How do I move on, and what am I moving on to?

On June 9th, I'll be going to Houston for an induction ceremony into Teach For America. To be honest, I didn't even think I'd get it, and after being on the waitlist for so long, I wasn't even sure if I wanted it anymore. But after praying about it and really thinking about my motivation for applying in the first place, I knew that this was the right decision. Still, this summer I'll spend a weekend in Houston, then in Mississippi for 5 weeks training (woof), and then I'll get a week off before having to return to Houston permanently. One week. One whole week. A week to find a place to live when I've never had to look for an apartment in my life. I don't even know where to start. I've never even lived in a big city before in my life. I feel completely in over my head. Yes, I know God will provide, but it is still completely stressful not knowing how I'll take care everything that comes with such a huge transition.

It's scary. I'm leaving my family and friends to do this job for at least the next two years in a city where I know no one. I'm sure I'll make new friends, but it's still scary realizing that the next step is finally here, that I have to say goodbye to what has been so prevalent in my life this last year. It's time to go and start life. I completely sympathize with the tangible fear and hesitance you see in Jack. Through his fear he manages to ask, "Where we going?" Again, his dad simply smiles before answering, "Let's go find out together." I love that.

I'm moving to Houston. I'm teaching high school science. I have to take a certification test to show I can teach it (ruh roh). I have to enroll in college courses during next year. I have to pay bills. I have to take care of myself. What in the world is all of this going to be like?

Well... Let's go find out. Yes, I'm scared, but I am also so unbelievably excited for what the future will bring. I know that this is right, and I know that sometimes the biggest steps we take require incredible leaps of faith. Peter had to take one huge step to get out of the boat. So this is me, taking one, massive step into the unknown. I'll be okay, I know that for sure. And I believe, I really do, that God has an incredible and amazing life for me, full of growth and happiness, even if I can't see how the next chapter of my life will play out. But that's just it. We are a culture that is hooked on the unknown. It's why Lost was such a hit. There were so many questions, so many times that I would sit back and just think, "Wow, how will this play out?" Had the producers provided a list of every question that would appear and its corresponding answer up front, I don't think anyone would have watched the show. It's like the greatest books that we read. From the first page, we can't help but be so attracted to the story. We don't dare skip to the end, because it is the journey that makes the experience worthwhile. In other words, I have no idea what my life will look like in a year, but I know that the journey will be like nothing I've ever before experienced. What will Houston be like? What will teaching be like? What will my life be like?

Let's go find out.

Letting Go of Control

So... Another blog update. Yep. Here it is. To be honest, it's pretty hard for me to even write on a blog. Really, I just feel dumb doing it. It's not that I don't have confidence in what I'm saying, or anything like that. I honestly just don't like being open. I don't like expressing all of my feelings. I guess I just feel silly doing it. Still, I've been encouraged to try it anyway, believing that it will be good for me. So, here we go.

My life. Currently, I am a college graduate with a Bachelor of Science in Biology. Unlike 99% of my fellow Biology graduates, I am not pursuing medical school or dental school. I really have no idea what I'm doing. I'm someone who likes control. I'm not a control freak or anything, I just know what I want. If some friends and I are deciding where to eat, it doesn't take long for me to suggest a place that I want to go. Again, it's not like I'm trying to smother my friends with my wants. I just don't have a problem saying what I think. So I'll say where I want to eat. I'll say what I don't like, this or that. Most of all, I like to know exactly what is coming down the pipe. If someone asks me what I'm doing this weekend, I will say exactly what I'm doing. I can say, "Well at 2:30 on Saturday I'm doing this, and then at 8:30 I'm doing this." I don't know why, but that's simply how it is with me. I like control.

I think what's bittersweet about God is that as Christians we submit ourselves to challenges. God says that He disciplines those whom He loves. What does that mean? The way I've always seen it in my life is like this: God says, ok Blake, you love Me. You want more of Me and less of you. Then I'm going to grow you, and it's not always going to be fun.

Nothing drives me crazier than people who advertise Christianity as this option for everything to be perfect. It by no means isn't. Does God want you to be happy? Yes. Does He want you to live a fulfilling life? Absolutely. Is growing you going to hurt? Of course. This is simply how life is. When I look back on my life, I can see a series of events that I've gone through that have grown me in different areas.

Currently, I'm being grown in the area of control. To give you some perspective, I'm currently sitting in Little Rock having graduated college. I applied to a non-profit organization called Teach for America that seeks to place qualified individuals in low income and rural schools in order to provide a better education experience. I applied in February, went through a slew of interviews, and was informed in April that I had been accepted. However, it wasn't that simple. Because of the economy, Teach for America was forced to lower their acceptance rate to a record low. To put it simply, there just aren't any jobs out there. Because of this, even though I met the standards that TFA had set forth, they did not have a job placement for me. So, I have been on the waitlist since mid-April, waiting, waiting, waiting... On Friday, they will either inform me that they have found me a job, or they will tell me, "Sorry, we couldn't find one."

So, let's go with the first option. If I get it, I'll have a week to decide if I want to commit the next two years of my life in a place where I know no one. I'll be completely on my own. However, if Friday comes with news of no placement, then I'll really have to figure things out. I'll have to figure out what I'll be doing this summer. Furthermore, as a college grad with no income, I'll need to develop plans for the fall, as in, find a job, whether it be in Fayetteville or somewhere else.

I think the point I'm trying to get across is that I have absolutely no control over my life right now. And you know what? It's okay. As someone who has always wanted to be able to say exactly what the next step is, I think God is growing me by saying, "Hey, find peace in Me. Trust in Me. Let Me plan the next step." So, that's what I'm trying to do. I try not to worry. I try not to be anxious. I try not to focus on the baggage I have in my life right now. I remember talking to an older man for some advice. I don't know him too well, but I knew that he had some wisdom for me. Faced without any answers, I approached him for his perspective. He said that all I could do was ask God for joy, peace, and contentment, and just let Him go from there. That's been my complete prayer. I have no idea what I'm doing with my future. I don't know at all, not the slightest clue, what this fall will look like or even where I'll be. But it's okay, totally and completely. Yes, some days I feel completely drained and emotionally exhausted about the whole mess, and I don't always do the perfect job at trusting Him. In fact, a lot of times, more often than not, I simply suck at it. But little by little, I'm trying to do better.

I know it's all worth it, because I know that God's plan is far better than any plan of mine. I continuously pray that He will just do whatever He wants and that I'm on board. It's a dangerous prayer I feel like, but it's what I truly want. I've discovered that I really have no idea what I want anymore, so the best I can do is just rely on someone who actually knows what's best for me. I want to trust God more, I really do, and I know He's growing that in me. Furthermore, I know that He's growing humility in me.

Gosh, I hate my pride. I really do. I love the David Crowder song where he says, "I carry pride like a disease." That's exactly how I feel sometimes. I want to be rid of it. I want to walk in humility. I want to point to God always, and I feel like I do a crummy job at that. It's been a hard semester, and I can say surely that God has completely crushed my pride, ha ha. But that's a good thing. It really, really is.

So, that's the update on my life. I feel like it was really pessimistic, and I'm contemplating just deleting all of this, again because I hate this whole being open thing. So, to counter all the negativeness I feel like is prevalent in this post, let me just say that I am excited for the future. It's scary, sure, but it is completely and totally exciting, because I know wherever I end up will be right. It will be what He wants, thankfully. I really am optimistic of the future. I want to enjoy life, and I will continue doing that. I'll keep on focusing on joy, peace, and contentment. So that's me: college grad with no clue of his future but who's loving life! Cheesy? Good.

Ok, because I felt like this was crazy deep and serious, here is a super lame joke. Hooray.

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

Ha.