My life. Currently, I am a college graduate with a Bachelor of Science in Biology. Unlike 99% of my fellow Biology graduates, I am not pursuing medical school or dental school. I really have no idea what I'm doing. I'm someone who likes control. I'm not a control freak or anything, I just know what I want. If some friends and I are deciding where to eat, it doesn't take long for me to suggest a place that I want to go. Again, it's not like I'm trying to smother my friends with my wants. I just don't have a problem saying what I think. So I'll say where I want to eat. I'll say what I don't like, this or that. Most of all, I like to know exactly what is coming down the pipe. If someone asks me what I'm doing this weekend, I will say exactly what I'm doing. I can say, "Well at 2:30 on Saturday I'm doing this, and then at 8:30 I'm doing this." I don't know why, but that's simply how it is with me. I like control.
I think what's bittersweet about God is that as Christians we submit ourselves to challenges. God says that He disciplines those whom He loves. What does that mean? The way I've always seen it in my life is like this: God says, ok Blake, you love Me. You want more of Me and less of you. Then I'm going to grow you, and it's not always going to be fun.
Nothing drives me crazier than people who advertise Christianity as this option for everything to be perfect. It by no means isn't. Does God want you to be happy? Yes. Does He want you to live a fulfilling life? Absolutely. Is growing you going to hurt? Of course. This is simply how life is. When I look back on my life, I can see a series of events that I've gone through that have grown me in different areas.
Currently, I'm being grown in the area of control. To give you some perspective, I'm currently sitting in Little Rock having graduated college. I applied to a non-profit organization called Teach for America that seeks to place qualified individuals in low income and rural schools in order to provide a better education experience. I applied in February, went through a slew of interviews, and was informed in April that I had been accepted. However, it wasn't that simple. Because of the economy, Teach for America was forced to lower their acceptance rate to a record low. To put it simply, there just aren't any jobs out there. Because of this, even though I met the standards that TFA had set forth, they did not have a job placement for me. So, I have been on the waitlist since mid-April, waiting, waiting, waiting... On Friday, they will either inform me that they have found me a job, or they will tell me, "Sorry, we couldn't find one."
So, let's go with the first option. If I get it, I'll have a week to decide if I want to commit the next two years of my life in a place where I know no one. I'll be completely on my own. However, if Friday comes with news of no placement, then I'll really have to figure things out. I'll have to figure out what I'll be doing this summer. Furthermore, as a college grad with no income, I'll need to develop plans for the fall, as in, find a job, whether it be in Fayetteville or somewhere else.
I think the point I'm trying to get across is that I have absolutely no control over my life right now. And you know what? It's okay. As someone who has always wanted to be able to say exactly what the next step is, I think God is growing me by saying, "Hey, find peace in Me. Trust in Me. Let Me plan the next step." So, that's what I'm trying to do. I try not to worry. I try not to be anxious. I try not to focus on the baggage I have in my life right now. I remember talking to an older man for some advice. I don't know him too well, but I knew that he had some wisdom for me. Faced without any answers, I approached him for his perspective. He said that all I could do was ask God for joy, peace, and contentment, and just let Him go from there. That's been my complete prayer. I have no idea what I'm doing with my future. I don't know at all, not the slightest clue, what this fall will look like or even where I'll be. But it's okay, totally and completely. Yes, some days I feel completely drained and emotionally exhausted about the whole mess, and I don't always do the perfect job at trusting Him. In fact, a lot of times, more often than not, I simply suck at it. But little by little, I'm trying to do better.
I know it's all worth it, because I know that God's plan is far better than any plan of mine. I continuously pray that He will just do whatever He wants and that I'm on board. It's a dangerous prayer I feel like, but it's what I truly want. I've discovered that I really have no idea what I want anymore, so the best I can do is just rely on someone who actually knows what's best for me. I want to trust God more, I really do, and I know He's growing that in me. Furthermore, I know that He's growing humility in me.
Gosh, I hate my pride. I really do. I love the David Crowder song where he says, "I carry pride like a disease." That's exactly how I feel sometimes. I want to be rid of it. I want to walk in humility. I want to point to God always, and I feel like I do a crummy job at that. It's been a hard semester, and I can say surely that God has completely crushed my pride, ha ha. But that's a good thing. It really, really is.
So, that's the update on my life. I feel like it was really pessimistic, and I'm contemplating just deleting all of this, again because I hate this whole being open thing. So, to counter all the negativeness I feel like is prevalent in this post, let me just say that I am excited for the future. It's scary, sure, but it is completely and totally exciting, because I know wherever I end up will be right. It will be what He wants, thankfully. I really am optimistic of the future. I want to enjoy life, and I will continue doing that. I'll keep on focusing on joy, peace, and contentment. So that's me: college grad with no clue of his future but who's loving life! Cheesy? Good.
Ok, because I felt like this was crazy deep and serious, here is a super lame joke. Hooray.
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”
Ha.
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